Post op day 6
Today is the day. The day has come that I will actually look in the mirror. While I have showered, I have not yet looked at my breast in the mirror- full on to see the wound. I have looked at my port site in the mirror (mainly because it hurt and was red and I needed to make sure it wasn’t infected). But for some reason I have resisted looking at my wound on my breast. I was a lucky one that was able to get reconstruction at the time of surgery. My surgeon specialized in oncoplastic surgery (cancer reconstruction). She inserted in me a filler called Biozorb. Biozorb is a very cool implantable biomarker that will give a three dimensional marking of where my cancer was. It is made of “bioabsorbable” material that will fill the space from the lumpectomy, give structure for new tissue to grow and will provide a close approximation of the curve of the breast post surgery. It has titanium markers that enable the radiation oncologist to locate where the tumor was and provide a more targeted approach to radiation therapy. Targeted radiation means a better outcome and less risks. The bioabsorbable material will dissolve away over the year just leaving breast tissue and titanium markers. Pretty cool. Except, I have searched for what exactly is that bioabsorbable material and have come up empty.
With the BioZorb in place and a very small incision around my nipple, my breast should look very good. Except I resist. Even though I know I have cancer and have told may family, friends, and coworker, I seem to still wish to be at some level in a state of denial. The looking at my breast seems a way to not deny it any longer. I wonder if it is helpful to continue on with my small area of denial or if I should face it head on. I wonder how I will feel. Does this last remnant of denial allow me to have some corner in my mind of solace from the daily grind of dealing with cancer? It is a good thing or bad thing? There is no turning back once I look. Today is the day to look at my breast. Or maybe it will be tomorrow.