Post op day 5
After sleeping for 4 days straight, I can no longer sleep. I am up before the rest of the family is up. I decided to make myself a cup of coffee and eat some yogurt- things that I had already set up to be able to do without anyone’s help. It really gives me a spark of hope when I can do things on my own. I tend to be a very independent person. Like many women I take care of a multitude of things at the same time- my household, my child, my husband, my work, etc. I had worked years without a medical assistant and when my hospital told me I had to have one I didn’t know what to do with her. She is great and found a way to make my work day better and really has added to helping support my patients. It took her a while to crack my independent, I don’t need help shell but she did and I am grateful for that. One of the things that I was most concerned about when I got my diagnosis was that I would have to rely on others. I would lose some of my self. It is a very daunting task for me to give up a part of me I am so comfortable with- a part that I am so proud of. My desire for independence needed to balance with my change in life and the need to let others do for me. One of my friends so aptly pointed out that I should allow others to do for me what I do for them that in this way I would in fact be helping them. Odd but true.
So what can I do? What can anyone do? Part of my own search for balance has to do with my understanding why I strive so much to be independent. What does that mean for me? Growing up, I was not very independent. I was very spacey and needed much help. I would get lost going to the bathroom. My parents tried desperately to teach me to be independent. I knew how to cook, clean, sew, knit, crochet, change my oil, change a tire, rewire a lamp, patch walls, repair a multitude of things in the home, but I still relied on others. My freshman year of college was an eye opening experience for me. I realized one day that I knew how to do many things but really couldn’t do them without someone telling me what to do. For all of my knowledge, I felt helpless and powerless. Independence to me meant not only growing up but it also meant empowerment. I strove to find my independence and by the time I graduated medical school, I decided I needed to really spread my wings more and I moved to California for my residency. Living in California was great. It helped to really form who I am today. But now I need to find a way to still feel empowered but be able to get help. That for me is a tall order. It has been over thirty years since that fateful day in college. Thirty years of being a strong independent go getting woman. Thirty years is a long time.
These are some of the things that I feel I must do to find my balance.
1. Find simple things I can still do for myself. Such as the feeding of myself with my yogurt that I have made or set up stations that are accessible for me like my coffee station or a place that fruit and nuts are that I can just pick up. I have clothing that is easy for me to put on and take off without much arm movement (still can’t raise my arms well).
2. Find new outlets to still feel good about what I do. This blog and website is a good example. Much of my identity is wrapped up in helping others and teaching others. Even though I cannot go to work right now, I can write and feel by sharing my story, I could be helping others as well as packing my site with information.
3. Understand that the support people wish to give me is due to love and not my own weakness. My friend is right. I have done much for others and rarely let others do for me. My letting them do is really good for them. I am still struggling with this concept but she is right.
4. Identify things that I feel I can give up to do for myself. Delegating is a skill I needed to learn at work, I can learn it in my personal life too. Starting small and working my way up to bigger things. This is clearly a work in progress.
5. Most of all I need to let go and not worry about theses changes in my life. I need to let my life evolve and learn from it along the way.
I am sure this will be a struggle that I will constantly be in throughout my treatment and beyond. It is a natural part of growing old. I always found it ironic how we do everything for our children as they grow up and one day they must take care of us. I see it time and time again with my elderly family members, friends, and patients. It is hard to give up independence. But by giving up some of my independence, I am allowing others to show me their love. Love is a very good thing.