Post op day 9
The realization of the change in my ability will be an on going struggle. I have written before about this struggle. Today it is rearing its head again. I slept most of last week. I have finally woken up and looked around and saw all the things that needed to be done. How do I tackle everything that needs to be done? Where do I start? What will I be able to do when my chemo starts? All of these questions plague me. I am sure this overwhelming feeling will occur time and time again in the future. It is time to take a deep breath and reevaluate my goals. This struggle reminds me of the words from a theorist, Winnicott. Dr. Donald Winnicott was a pediatrician and psychoanalyst who studied children’s relationship with their mother. He saw that imperfections with the mother benefited their children more than when mothers were perfect. He writes:
“A mother is neither good nor bad nor the product of illusion, but is a separate independent entity; the Good-enough mother… starts off with an almost complete adaptation to her infant’s needs, and as time proceeds she adapts less and less completely, gradually, according to the infant’s growing ability to deal with her failure. Her failure to adapt to every need of the child helps them adapt to external realities.”
The concept of good enough is a powerful concept that speaks to the drive for perfection and it is not necessarily the healthiest drive. Our imperfections and failures can do more for us to grow and become stronger than restricting ourselves to be perfect. Sometimes in the midst of challenges or tragedy we must take a step back and allow ourselves to strive to be good enough. This is not to say that we shouldn’t try to be the best we can, but our perspective of who we are may be better accessed by the strive to be good enough and accept our failings as a moment of learning. It is through my failings now that I have been able to allow for the support and care from my family and friends. It is through my inability to be who I was before that I have grown closer to my loved ones. It is through my mistakes that I have learned to appreciate other aspects of my self. I have started writing, a skill that I felt was rudimentary at best. Everyday I write medical evaluations, progress notes, and letters. I have always thought that my words were clunky and my grammar unsophisticated. However, now that I write about my experience, I feel a different part of me is developing. I find I like this new me that is emerging. I started writing this blog because I couldn’t do much. I am fatigued and achy. I cannot pick things up, dress my self, cook or do most things as I used to do. But I can sit and read and write. I would never have started this website if I hadn’t failed at being who I used to be.
In this time, that change is inevitable, and failure is part of the picture, finding that good enough self may go a long way towards finding your new self- a self that you might really like.